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   When I first opened up communication with my insiders I was hit with memory after memory. The flashbacks were horrible and my startle reflex was extremely high. For those who don’t know much about DID, most alters/insiders are like locked doors behind which are memories that have been locked away so the host person can survive, live and function. I think that by me initiating open communication freed some of them to open their doors, but that is my opinion. Anyway I say this as a bases of my fears. I am not mad that they shared the memories with me because it filled the rest of the puzzle in of the memories I already had, it was just difficult to go through.

   Two years ago, after being gone for 25 years, I moved back to the hometown I grew up in. At that time until recently I had tried to “close off” my insiders partly for their protection, partly because I didn’t want people to walk away from me if “they only knew” . But thinking about it, I think the main reason, well actually I know the main reason was because I didn’t want to get overwhelmed with memories again.  When I first moved back I would get panic attacks just riding the bus past buildings where abuse took place.  I didn’t want to have a panic attack in the middle of downtown, so I foolishly decided to “close off” my insiders. The reason I say foolishly is because the way my DID system had gotten to the point where different ones flowed freely so we could function normally.  If we were having a panic attack then there was someone who could front who wasn’t affected and others could calm the rest of the system down.  If whoever was front was having a flashback, then the one guarding front would pull them in so someone else could front and the one flashing would be taken care of.  By me “closing off” my insiders, I threw a wrench in my ability to function normally.

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Toni is my insider who has nudged me the most towards digital art stuff though I have not gotten into it as much as she has. So I am very pleased that she has put her wall up and I look forward to seeing what art she shares lol she has files and sketchpads that say “KEEP OUT”. Anyway to give you some info on her as far as my system goes, she is one of my few sliders, meaning she goes between age 18 and 22 but lately she is mostly around 22.  She is a protector and from what I have been able to learn was the main one who handled high school years. She use to like to live on the edge and got us into and out of many scrapes including knocking down the best friend’s psycho boyfriend. Anyway check out Toni’s Wall.

I am so proud of Lash and so excited for him. I know this move has been difficult for him and the situation we were in before the move was even more difficult.  Just a little bit about Lash: He is one of my littles who is also a protector. Some may disagree with me on that because he has issues with anger and self harm  but I see those as barometers for the system as a whole. I know we have worked hard with him and he has worked hard to the point that now if he self harms it means we are at the point where we need outside help usually hospitalization, and as i said in an earlier post that has not happened in several years.  Please check out Lash’s Wall

Petals of Life

Petals of Life

Well I’m sitting here, another sleepless night. I love this picture and looking at it makes me realize even more how much I have screwed up since I have moved back to RI. My system worked together so well. We functioned much better. Different ones, like Toni, were given time to express themselves more. I wasn’t afraid to be out around people. I keep thinking about a video on DID I saw the other day. One of the things the author said that really struck a nerve was that she was afraid of people finding out because she was afraid they would leave her and that it would be like re-victimization. I realized that’s part of why I tried to “shut everything down” and keep everyone in. Part of it I know was for their protection too because I didn’t want the little ones hurt by some people in my life, but still… I miss Toni’s sketch books scattered all over. I miss Hope skipping and sneaking out for grilled cheese sandwiches. I miss the group projects and plans, the saturday cartoons, coping and functioning. I’m thinking it’s time for change.

Once again I reach the top

Only to find there is more at the bottom

That needs to be looked at

So many to hear

So much to see

They can’t be forgotten

Their pain ignored

It happened before

But not now, no more

The young ones cry out

To be held,

Comforted,

Made to feel safe

To be protected

So as I stand at the top

Hearing their cries

Feeling their pain

Holding back the tears

Once again I descend.

 This is a big thing for me right now. I had worked very hard on getting all my insiders to work together so that wecould function to get things done. Then I moved to be closer to my family and “out of protection” for my child insiders I tried to keep them all from fronting so they wouldn’t get hurt. Hmmmmm not a wise thing to do. I started losing time again and when my current therapist confronted me on it I realized the big mistake I made.  So now, since its been 2 years of “holding down the fort” I find that I have to re establish cooperation with some pissed off insiders so that I don’t lose any more time. At times it feels the switching is out of control which is why things take so long to get finished right now. I came across an old poem the other day that reminded me that I need to not forget to appreciate them for all the help they have given me over the years so that I could go on living.

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The Faces of Me by Johnna is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
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