Toni is my insider who has nudged me the most towards digital art stuff though I have not gotten into it as much as she has. So I am very pleased that she has put her wall up and I look forward to seeing what art she shares lol she has files and sketchpads that say “KEEP OUT”. Anyway to give you some info on her as far as my system goes, she is one of my few sliders, meaning she goes between age 18 and 22 but lately she is mostly around 22.  She is a protector and from what I have been able to learn was the main one who handled high school years. She use to like to live on the edge and got us into and out of many scrapes including knocking down the best friend’s psycho boyfriend. Anyway check out Toni’s Wall.

I am so proud of Lash and so excited for him. I know this move has been difficult for him and the situation we were in before the move was even more difficult.  Just a little bit about Lash: He is one of my littles who is also a protector. Some may disagree with me on that because he has issues with anger and self harm  but I see those as barometers for the system as a whole. I know we have worked hard with him and he has worked hard to the point that now if he self harms it means we are at the point where we need outside help usually hospitalization, and as i said in an earlier post that has not happened in several years.  Please check out Lash’s Wall

A while back, actually 2 years ago we were suppose to do a group scrapbook which we never got around to do with the move. I was going to start that back up again but decided to give a space here for those inside who wanted one to do their thing. Several are thrilled about it and I told them I would highlight their wall in a blog post when they put it up. So if you follow this blog please check out their walls.

Petals of Life

Petals of Life

Well I’m sitting here, another sleepless night. I love this picture and looking at it makes me realize even more how much I have screwed up since I have moved back to RI. My system worked together so well. We functioned much better. Different ones, like Toni, were given time to express themselves more. I wasn’t afraid to be out around people. I keep thinking about a video on DID I saw the other day. One of the things the author said that really struck a nerve was that she was afraid of people finding out because she was afraid they would leave her and that it would be like re-victimization. I realized that’s part of why I tried to “shut everything down” and keep everyone in. Part of it I know was for their protection too because I didn’t want the little ones hurt by some people in my life, but still… I miss Toni’s sketch books scattered all over. I miss Hope skipping and sneaking out for grilled cheese sandwiches. I miss the group projects and plans, the saturday cartoons, coping and functioning. I’m thinking it’s time for change.

Learning to cope with flashbacks is a necessity for people dealing with ptsd and DID. Sometimes things as small as a sound or smell can trigger a flashback which can lead to a full blown panic attack. Over the years I have learned to cope with flashbacks in different ways and everyone I have talked to has their own way they feel most at ease with. These are just a couple of the things I use when I’m having a flashback:

  • Reminding myself of the present date, year etc. That I am no longer a child but an adult and that what I am remembering isn’t happening right now- ie its a memory.  *This also helps having someone say it to me.
  • Using my senses to draw me back to the present. I think of 3 things I can smell, hear, feel, and see. For example: I can smell coffee toast and eggs, hear the TV, neighbors and cars, feel the floor, chair, desk and see the wall computer, TV. This also helped friends when I was involved with online support groups.

I changed things around on my blog. If you want to read the background of when I was younger and being diagnosised with DID then please see my pages : “In the beginning…” and “When we were young” . Who knows, I may change things around again lol. Anyway, I’m in a jabbering mood today so will be doing some writing off and on today.

With the recent medicine crisis and the fact that the next 4 months are hard ones for me, I have been going over what I learned concerning staying out of the hospital. I know for me there are certain things to watch for, one or two are OK but any more than that I know I need to tell someone and most likely go inpatient.

The first thing that usually happens is I go off my medicine. That’s not too bad as long as I get back on it as soon as I’m aware that Ive/we’ve stopped taking it.  The next thing is usually isolation, when I get really depressed I don’t like to be around anyone which is not always a good thing.  Self harm is the third thing to watch for and I know if I am doing any self harm I need to tell someone because I’m now one quick step away from the hospital. I have insiders who self harm when things are really bad and that’s not good if I’m losing time. The last thing is feeling suicidal which is a definite hospitalization.

A few years ago I used to be in and out of the hospital a lot. Learning what signs to watch for has helped me stay out of the hospital for several years now. Does that mean I will never be inpatient again? I doubt it but I definitly wont be there as much as in the past. I do know though that now I have more control over if and when I go to the hospital than I did before and that has helped a great deal in how I feel about myself.

I hate Hate HATE trying new medicine.  I know in the end it helps so that I can function better but when I first start on it I get sooooo tired and it is so frustrating. It took almost 3 weeks to get something that might actually work. First getting in to see the doctor and then of course the red tape with the insurance company. It took all I had to keep my insiders who self harm from doing anything while we worked the medicine crisis out. It’s been years since I’ve had to go inpatient and I didn’t want to go that route. I’m so thankful for my therapist and doctor because they worked close with me so that I could avoid the hosptial. We’re not totaly through this yet but so far no nasty side affects. Yaaaaaaaaaaaaay

Once again I reach the top

Only to find there is more at the bottom

That needs to be looked at

So many to hear

So much to see

They can’t be forgotten

Their pain ignored

It happened before

But not now, no more

The young ones cry out

To be held,

Comforted,

Made to feel safe

To be protected

So as I stand at the top

Hearing their cries

Feeling their pain

Holding back the tears

Once again I descend.

 This is a big thing for me right now. I had worked very hard on getting all my insiders to work together so that wecould function to get things done. Then I moved to be closer to my family and “out of protection” for my child insiders I tried to keep them all from fronting so they wouldn’t get hurt. Hmmmmm not a wise thing to do. I started losing time again and when my current therapist confronted me on it I realized the big mistake I made.  So now, since its been 2 years of “holding down the fort” I find that I have to re establish cooperation with some pissed off insiders so that I don’t lose any more time. At times it feels the switching is out of control which is why things take so long to get finished right now. I came across an old poem the other day that reminded me that I need to not forget to appreciate them for all the help they have given me over the years so that I could go on living.

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The Faces of Me by Johnna is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
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