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You know, littles are really just like outside children with all of their questions. We have a friend who also has DID and she has a little I call the professor sometimes. Today she was asking me which came first the color orange or the fruit. I usually try to come up with some kind of answer even if she knows I just made it up LOL, so I told her the fruit. Of course that answer didn’t satisfy her because then she asked if the fruit was the color blue then what would happen to the color orange. Foolishly I thought that would be the most difficult question she would ask today but it wasn’t.  Then I realized its was no tougher than questions our littles have been asking for 3 years.

I’ve always gotten along well with littles for some reason and Ive made it a point, whether they are littles in our system or littles in a friends system to always be honest with them no mater what. The main reason I do that is because in my opinion I think they have already been hurt and lied to enough to last a lifetime that we owe them that respect. So what do you do when a little asks you a question about something that still confuses you? I can remember when Rebe, one of our littles use to ask us all the time “why mommy didn’t want us”  I mean how the hell do you answer that when you don’t know yourself.

In the recent past our system was in a difficult situation that when we were finally able to get out of it many, especially the littles, were hurt very badly. I believe its why the Big switched over into ultra over protective mode and then burned out.  When anyone, not just people with DID but I believe anyone who has endured some type of abuse, trust is a very big issue. So when you let down your walls to trust someone and then have that trust betrayed you end up with chaos. At least thats what happened with us.  I’m not a therapist and I won’t pretend to be one, so I don’t know if that person knew what they were doing or not, I just know the effect it had on us.  So when one of our littles asks if that person is bad all we can do is pick them up, hold them and let them know that us older ones will be watching a lot harder in the future so they won’t have to go through that pain again.



As October marks the start of our difficult months we’ve had a changing of the guards so to speak.  I am Toni, Antoinette to some but most just call me Toni. I’m not the Big, Host person, Birth person or what ever you choose to call it. I just usually stand in for the Big when she can’t handle out for a while.  Writing is one of the ways that helps a lot of us heal which is why we have chosen to still do the blog during this time. Any posts done by us insiders for now on will use the tonietal author, just to make things easier when She is back out.  OK now that the “business” end is taken care off we can relax I hope and have some fun 😛


Been having a hard week and I know I need to do some writing but I keep stalling. My asthma has been really bad and something about not being able to breathe makes me flash alot. Plus on top of that my dad was in the hospital for a few days and because I was sick I couldn’t go see him.  Trying to fight off the depression but not doing a good job of it. Just feels like I’m being swallowed up by everything- insiders wanting to be out, littles crying cause the body is sick, trying to put a “good face” on for family and friends, guilt for wanting to pretend that I’m “normal” with no DID or any other mental stuff, guilt that I should be making jewelry and being creative but all the energy I had for the last 4 weeks has disappeared some where, angry that i was abused, angry about the ritual abuse, angry about memories, angry that no one no one no one no one no one said a damn thing when they knew or suspected stuff was goin on, and then there’s the aloneness like a dark smothering cloud. So gonna let my insiders do their thing here and find a quiet corner inside.

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