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Been having a hard week and I know I need to do some writing but I keep stalling. My asthma has been really bad and something about not being able to breathe makes me flash alot. Plus on top of that my dad was in the hospital for a few days and because I was sick I couldn’t go see him.  Trying to fight off the depression but not doing a good job of it. Just feels like I’m being swallowed up by everything- insiders wanting to be out, littles crying cause the body is sick, trying to put a “good face” on for family and friends, guilt for wanting to pretend that I’m “normal” with no DID or any other mental stuff, guilt that I should be making jewelry and being creative but all the energy I had for the last 4 weeks has disappeared some where, angry that i was abused, angry about the ritual abuse, angry about memories, angry that no one no one no one no one no one said a damn thing when they knew or suspected stuff was goin on, and then there’s the aloneness like a dark smothering cloud. So gonna let my insiders do their thing here and find a quiet corner inside.

With the recent medicine crisis and the fact that the next 4 months are hard ones for me, I have been going over what I learned concerning staying out of the hospital. I know for me there are certain things to watch for, one or two are OK but any more than that I know I need to tell someone and most likely go inpatient.

The first thing that usually happens is I go off my medicine. That’s not too bad as long as I get back on it as soon as I’m aware that Ive/we’ve stopped taking it.  The next thing is usually isolation, when I get really depressed I don’t like to be around anyone which is not always a good thing.  Self harm is the third thing to watch for and I know if I am doing any self harm I need to tell someone because I’m now one quick step away from the hospital. I have insiders who self harm when things are really bad and that’s not good if I’m losing time. The last thing is feeling suicidal which is a definite hospitalization.

A few years ago I used to be in and out of the hospital a lot. Learning what signs to watch for has helped me stay out of the hospital for several years now. Does that mean I will never be inpatient again? I doubt it but I definitly wont be there as much as in the past. I do know though that now I have more control over if and when I go to the hospital than I did before and that has helped a great deal in how I feel about myself.

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The Faces of Me by Johnna is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
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