Before I begin…

   I will admit this section of my narrative is difficult because of the decision of how I wanted to write this.  Over the years I have made web sites and talked in detail of all the things that have happened to me. I think that its important to be able to talk about it. At this point in my life I’ve decided to focus not as much on the causes of why I had to dissociate but rather what it has been like to live with DID. Growing up I was abused physically, sexually, verbally and emotionally, however, the main people who abused me are either now dead or no longer able to because I/We will not allow it.  At some point in the future I may tell my whole story but for now my focus is to raise the awareness of what DID is and the things people like me deal with from day to day.  OK, now that that’s said onto childhood…

The younger years…

   As far back as I can remember I always suffered from migraine headaches. I never thought anything of it because my mother had them when she was pregnant with me.  Thinking of it now however, I’m not sure how common it is for a 5,6 or 7 year old to have migraines.  No, Im not saying everyone with migranes has DID I’m just relating my experience. 🙂

  There were also times I would “disappear” inside myself. Someone (like my mother or father) would be calling me and get no response. In fact the bathroom door is still somewhat broken from when my father kicked it in because they thought I fell asleep in the tub.  Several times my parents took me to Children’s Hospital in Boston to try and figure out what was wrong. The best part of that was that my sisters had to go to bed at the regular time but I got to stay up as late as I wanted the night before so that I would sleep during the test. I hated the wires and paste they put on my head and the doctors would yell at me for even moving a finger during the test. I think I was around 7 years old.  After the tests they said they thought I was having Pete Mal seizures, which back in the early 70’s meant they didn’t know what the heck was going on.

Note: When I was around 6 I would get into trouble for getting up during class and leaving the room. I never remembered anything until the teacher would find me in the water play room, the school yard or wandering around the school.

The teen years…

   Freshman year in high school was mostly a blur. I remember in my sophomore year I got involved with the drama club and one of my classmates said “wow, I can’t believe YOU are in the drama club, you’re nothing like you were before”.  That always bothered me because I had no clue what he was talking about. The rest of my teen years (until I left home at 17), were filled with:

  • Hiding- I pretty much felt like a freak for some reason so with the exception of 3 or 4 people in school, I hid behind clothes, books, or cut classes.
  • Self-Hate – “I” would stand in front of the mirror and tell myself how much I hated Me. This was also the time in my life when I started to self harm.
  • Nobody Home- this part always confused me. I would get into trouble for things that I did that I had no memory of doing. So of course when I was confronted with it and asked why I did xyz I had no answer which got me into more trouble. This was also when I would get told by my mother that I was staring through her.

College Etal…

   Freshman year in college is when I became a christian. The older girls in my dorm that “adopted” me were so patient with me. I can remember there were times when they would put a pillow behind my head because (unknown to me) I had been sitting there banging my head against the wall.

   Sophmore year was a difficult year for me. My friends from the previous year had all graduated and it was also the year that I started my placement for my special education courses. I had always wanted to work with emotional disturbed kids because I felt like I could understand them. For one particular class I worked one on one with a little girl who was 7. At the time I had not started to work on any of my issues, so when she would react to things it would unknowingly trigger memories for me. I had no clue what was going on because the memories would start to surface and then disappear like a door closed. I couldn’t deal with that so when the school year ended I left that school.

   For the next 5 or 6 years that would happen over and over where I would start to remember and then the door would close on the memory. It took that long for the memories to seep in enough for me to consider trying therapy.

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