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This is a collection of self portraits I have done over the years.

Time passages

From past to present

Picking up precious cargo

Some carrying baggage

To be left as waste

Along the side

Other parcels

To be locked up

Till the appointed time

Still all to be embraced

None left out

What does it mean

All this travel

For it seems we go backwards

But all the while

Moving ahead

Pressing toward our goal

Of being whole.

Well I think this new medicine is going to work. So far no negative side affects and moods are slowing down. Still am not sleeping that well but thats nothing new so I just sleep when I can. On another note communication is better with my insiders now that I am not trying to be a control freak. I’m actually able to get some things done yaaaaaaaaaay. Ok I need to go eat some breakfast and figure out what we’re doing today.

Well I took the plunge and saw the need so started a webring for bloggers re: mental illness. Not sure how much of a response I will get but Im hoping it will help others.  Anyway if your interested here’s more info

Toni is my insider who has nudged me the most towards digital art stuff though I have not gotten into it as much as she has. So I am very pleased that she has put her wall up and I look forward to seeing what art she shares lol she has files and sketchpads that say “KEEP OUT”. Anyway to give you some info on her as far as my system goes, she is one of my few sliders, meaning she goes between age 18 and 22 but lately she is mostly around 22.  She is a protector and from what I have been able to learn was the main one who handled high school years. She use to like to live on the edge and got us into and out of many scrapes including knocking down the best friend’s psycho boyfriend. Anyway check out Toni’s Wall.

I am so proud of Lash and so excited for him. I know this move has been difficult for him and the situation we were in before the move was even more difficult.  Just a little bit about Lash: He is one of my littles who is also a protector. Some may disagree with me on that because he has issues with anger and self harm  but I see those as barometers for the system as a whole. I know we have worked hard with him and he has worked hard to the point that now if he self harms it means we are at the point where we need outside help usually hospitalization, and as i said in an earlier post that has not happened in several years.  Please check out Lash’s Wall

A while back, actually 2 years ago we were suppose to do a group scrapbook which we never got around to do with the move. I was going to start that back up again but decided to give a space here for those inside who wanted one to do their thing. Several are thrilled about it and I told them I would highlight their wall in a blog post when they put it up. So if you follow this blog please check out their walls.

Petals of Life

Petals of Life

Well I’m sitting here, another sleepless night. I love this picture and looking at it makes me realize even more how much I have screwed up since I have moved back to RI. My system worked together so well. We functioned much better. Different ones, like Toni, were given time to express themselves more. I wasn’t afraid to be out around people. I keep thinking about a video on DID I saw the other day. One of the things the author said that really struck a nerve was that she was afraid of people finding out because she was afraid they would leave her and that it would be like re-victimization. I realized that’s part of why I tried to “shut everything down” and keep everyone in. Part of it I know was for their protection too because I didn’t want the little ones hurt by some people in my life, but still… I miss Toni’s sketch books scattered all over. I miss Hope skipping and sneaking out for grilled cheese sandwiches. I miss the group projects and plans, the saturday cartoons, coping and functioning. I’m thinking it’s time for change.

Learning to cope with flashbacks is a necessity for people dealing with ptsd and DID. Sometimes things as small as a sound or smell can trigger a flashback which can lead to a full blown panic attack. Over the years I have learned to cope with flashbacks in different ways and everyone I have talked to has their own way they feel most at ease with. These are just a couple of the things I use when I’m having a flashback:

  • Reminding myself of the present date, year etc. That I am no longer a child but an adult and that what I am remembering isn’t happening right now- ie its a memory.  *This also helps having someone say it to me.
  • Using my senses to draw me back to the present. I think of 3 things I can smell, hear, feel, and see. For example: I can smell coffee toast and eggs, hear the TV, neighbors and cars, feel the floor, chair, desk and see the wall computer, TV. This also helped friends when I was involved with online support groups.

I changed things around on my blog. If you want to read the background of when I was younger and being diagnosised with DID then please see my pages : “In the beginning…” and “When we were young” . Who knows, I may change things around again lol. Anyway, I’m in a jabbering mood today so will be doing some writing off and on today.

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The Faces of Me by Johnna is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
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